Mom rage is an intense and overwhelming feeling of anger, rage, or frustration that stems from motherhood and the act of mothering. Although, it seems like it comes out of nowhere.
These feelings may be directed at yourself, your baby (yes, your baby), your partner, family, friends, and people you may not even know.
It’s triggered by things in our day to day that are seemingly meaningless or that wouldn’t normally produce such a strong reaction. For example, a tone of voice, a look, crumbs on your feet, trying to change a baby who’s wiggling around, clutter, crying, whining, noise, a red light, your baby throwing food from the high chair, your partner forgetting to pick something up…
However, if we look beneath the surface, we can usually tie these situations and these feelings of rage to something larger:
- Feeling overwhlemed
- Not feeling heard
- Not meeting your needs or compromising your needs
- Lack of support
- Gender inequalities or carrying the majority of the mental and physical load of the home and child care
- Sensory differences
- Untreated perinatal mood and anxiety disorder
Mom rage may be characterized by:
- A short fuse
- Extreme irritation and impatience
- Strong reactions to things that may not have bothered you previously
- Violent urges or thoughts directed towards yourself, someone, or something else
- Screaming, yelling, swearing, hitting, throwing
- Feeling hot or flushed
- Racing heart or feeling like your blood is boiling
- Inability to remember the outburst or parts of the outburst
- You can’t stop thinking about something that has upset you
- Feeling remorse after your outburst
- Self-harm or self-medicating
Do I Have Mom Rage?
If you’re concerned about mom rage, it can be helpful to tune into yourself and your dealings with anger and reflect:
- How often did you feel angry or enraged before you had your baby?
- How often do you feel angry or enraged now?
- How did you manage rage/anger before you had your baby? Do feel like you had productive coping strategies?
- How are you managing rage/anger now? What’s different? Are you yelling, screaming, punching, throwing, swearing…etc? If so, are these behaviours uncharacteristic?
- How would you, or people around you, describe your anger? Explosive? Surprising? Shocking? Festering? Scary?
- Do you constantly feel angry? Would you describe yourself as an angry person?
If you feel like your experience is drastically different than your experience with anger prior to having a baby, you feel scared, you feel like you are a danger to yourself or someone else, and/or just concerned, please reach out to someone you trust for support (e.g., health care provider, counsellor, support group…).
How To Manage Mom Rage
It’s important to know that feelings of rage and anger are common during the postpartum period and the early years. Many new parents have these feelings. You are not alone. However, just because these feelings are common does not mean that there’s nothing you can do about it.
First and foremost, consider checking in with a health care provider and a therapist that you trust. A therapist can support you, help you to uncover your triggers, help you to manage your expectations, and to implement coping strategies and communication techniques. You may also find it helpful to:
- Keep a journal and reflect on your triggers. Where were you? What was the situation? Who were you with? What time of day? How tired were you? How were you feeling? Having things written down may help to you to identify a pattern to the rage that you are feeling, which can help to tune into what underlying issues are are being expressed.
- Schedule intentional time for you where you can recharge.
- Practice mindfulness and/or meditation
- Get in some exercise and fresh air
- Eat a nutrient dense diet
- Attend a postpartum support group
- Get some rest
- Prioritize your daily tasks and decide what you can delegate, outsource, and/or let go of to make your days a little easier and less overwhelming
In the heat of the moment, you may find it helpful to:
- Walk away when you start to feel angry and take a time out
- Take some deep breaths before responding
- Count to 10 before responding, if you’re still feeling upset at 10, count again
- Talk with a trusted person
DISCLAIMER: The content of Postpartum Support Yukon’s website, posts, and blogs does not constitute medical advice, nor is it an emergency service. If you have concerns about any health or medical condition, diagnosis, or treatment, you should consult with a licensed healthcare provider. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, please call, or go to, your health care provider, local emergency department, 911 or call your local emergency number immediately. Postpartum Support Yukon is intended for informational purposes only.
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